Living life and trying to survive

. . . There are things that change as you grow older and learn that maybe living on your own and taking on the world is a good thing. But what does it mean? How far do you push yourself? What do you do? Most importantly, who tells you?
I'm getting an apartment and i'm finding myself in the situation where everything is almost literally crashing down around me and i'm not even too sure where to begin. I'm finding things are a lot more confusing than what you see mommy and daddy going through when filing the bills or the taxes. And it's a good thing, more because i'm learning every painful step of the way. On the other hand, it's also really hard trying to keep my mind intact as i'm crunching numbers and figures and budgets all together to make a fine soup of life.
Life is going to be confusing. . .always. . .always confusing.

Hey everyone. Things have gone pretty well so far. I'm in Hawaii and dealing with the last two weeks of having two jobs. My dad arrived last night and a part of me already wants him to be gone. .. but then again I can't ask for a lot when it comes to something like that. Already he's been taking on the role of telling me things that i have gotten used to doing for the last two months.. . . I kinda want him to go away now. . . Oh well. Life goes on i guess. Things have been doing pretty well all in all. I've been asked more than enough times to not leave Hawaii and those that are asking me are surprisingly great people and great friends that i would love to hang around. Now it's just gotten hard to think of what may happen if I plan on going back to school. But there is also a lot more on my mind when it comes to work and I'm stressing out more than i really need to. *giggles* oh well. Life does go on and eventually i will have to as well. Better live life while i can, huh?

. . . I guess it says it all. I'm slowly starting to lose parts of my personality and life. . . and i don't understand any of it. I just want to go somewhere far far away and where no one will ever find me. But oh well, huh?
I've been so tired. There has been a lot of stress with two jobs and trying to keep in touch with everyone. Things have been going well enough as it is. Drunk a little tonight but nothing much to make me feel anything.

hey everyone. . . Ok the subject is self explanitory. . .really hating the fact that i can't be with everyone. .i cant go home *crying*. . .I honestly hope everyone is ok and you're having fun. miss you so much.

ciao. . . .

Hey everyone. Ok so nothing is going on in the Alexandria or DC areas. Life is almost really dull but i'm enjoying the time with Aunt Suzy. Christmas is in four days huh. . .wow. . .time goes by really fast. Then again now that i'm in college time will be going by a lot quicker. Who knows what's going to happen next. Oh well! Well nothing today.. .really. Just trying to get better from this stupid cold and hoping that everyone is ok. I miss you guys!!! and i'm more than homesick. . .Oh well.
I'll talk to ya'll later.

Ok so i spent the whole day watching movies and doing nothing. . .but there is fun in that. Since yesterday was my last day of the semester a girl needs time to recover. . .ok not really, but you understand what i'm saying huh? Anyway, stayed in my campus parents' home and got to watch movies all day.
Tonight we all went out to eat and Mrs. Henson (and those from Guam yes they are related to the Henson's at Harvest, her daughter and I went to go see Disney's Princesses on Ice. It was incredible. . .well, it was dorkey at first but then i really got into it. . .which honestly scares me now to think about it. Anywayz. . . Got home and now i have to get some sleep before getting on a plane tomorrow morning. Oh well. . .can't sleep. :D
Well, i should try. Gots to go. Ciao.

So i just finished my first semester at Bob Jones University. . .I half expect some random person to just pop out of a bush with a camera and a microphone and ask me "So what do you want to do next?". .and honestly. . .i half expect myself to say, "I'm going to Disney World!!!"
Yet it all seems so surreal. . .Like this is the first time that i'm going through this. I mean, in all pretenses this is the first time going through this in itself. But there is that feeling of absolute wonder of why it seems so different. It may be the reaction between two worlds is different. . . or even the situations themselves. I don't know.
anyway, dealing with three and a half weeks of no schools. I have passed almost all of my classes. . unfortunately all of the classes that i will not be pursuing next year but oh well. As for my major. . well, not the best. . . not even the worst. . .but that's just me
Well, just wanting to let you know what is going on. Ciao

hey everyone..... ok i know this is a stupid topic opening... Its just a way of my heart telling me that i'm dying to get through college so much faster... Yet all i can do right now is pray that nothing will go wrong and I will be reunited with the one i love...OK i know i'm sounding really dumb, simplistic, and so....so....mushy. I guess at this point in time I just want to go into all my plans that i've been planning and just live them all out...I feel as though i should be living them out....But i need to be patient. I need to trust in God and that He has everything in our best interests. I'm so ready to fight....fight for our relationship...and I've already started... it's kinda scary though. I've started to fight my parents for his sake and...i've never done this before....Its so amazing that i'm ready to fight so willingly and so forcefully and at the same time....I don't know. I feel ready to fight anyone just to be with him...Of course, if there was a chance that God told us to break up then i would have to obey... Its all so confusing......It all hurts so much but i can't do anything but pray....Lord, please bring us back together.

Hey everyone,
You, honestly think that life starts to be really good for you and things just seem to work out... when you do everything to God's glory it has a tendency to feel that way... but then you start to notice the little things in life that Satan tries to disor and make seem unbearable... There is so much im feelingrite now and it's kinda hard to describe each one... Not going to try!!!!
Tutoring has been pretty good. I am now tutoring four kids and for about two-hundred a month. That as well as babysitting has brought me into a spell of exhaustion as well as plain irritation. It's not the kids that bug me...just the consistency of every situation... how they're all the same and neverending.
I want to say that's all i'm dealing with rite now but i will have to admit that there is so much more than some people realize. My sister is actually supposed to come in saturday morning with her son and he will be spending a week with us while his mom is at a meeting thingy in Saipan. I'm kinda frustrated about their arrival but all i can do is try to stay out of the house... Bad me (hitting myself over the head). well can't say much about the rest of my life... too boring... to emotional.... well, just to freakin, repetitive. Talk to ya'lls later.

Hye Peeps,
Things have been going real well on this side. Instead of a real job, i opted for a tutoring gig for a while. So far i've applied to wallace theatres and wendy's but i honestly thing that tutoring will help me out for teaching later. I'm also getting things done with babysitting...I'm a sad soul arent' I. Oh well,

On my spare time i try to go to tennis and work out on my own. Then I'm also getting ready to pack up and get going to Hawaii... I leave in August but mom wanted me to start with packing...

Well, honestly life is good but still a little dull. For those still wanting to hang out...just call or text...or talk....or anything else...I soumd desperate don't I? LOl!!! Well, ciao for now.

Well folks....it's still really hard to believe that we just graduated. I have that funny feeling that by the time august comes around i'll be wanting to go to Harvest for school....(sniff). I'm going to miss everything here and everyone i got to know. I know i'm going to really miss him but what can i do about it?

Things have been pretty boring...well ok not really. I got into a car accident with Christian and his sister on Monday... wasn't necessarily the best things that i've gone through but we both agreed that it was probably God trying to get our attention.... boy was it scary. There wasn't a lot of damage done to the car and we were all ok in the end. I just remember being scared out of my wits end trying to stay calm and not showing how scared i was... My parents were ok after they looked over damages and so were his parents luckily...I got over all the fear about two days later and now i can talk about it in general.
T
rying desperately hard to look for a job. So far i have tutoring sessions twice a week for two kids and i'm making just a little bit of cash. Hopefully, if my cousin can set me up, i'll be working for santa fe on the bay or if not i can be working at wallace theaters. Either way just looking for a job. If anyof you know of anyone looking for a babysitter please let thm know that i'm available...cell #: 456-2680.
Anyway, nothing much has happened since the accident and i've been slightly wrapped up in playing tetris and learning how to play the flute...slowly getting it too. Well, keep in touch for now kay? Ciao for now.

I can't believe that i just graduated!!!! It all happened so fast that i was afraid of what i was going to look like or going to do. It was really nice though. I almost cried in my mom's arms and then in Christian's arms, then Chanda's arms, then Junior's arms, then Mike's arms and then Norra's arms and then in Max's arms....I was in a wreck when i got all those leis. christian got me roses!!!!!!!! AWWWWW!! After the ceremony i had a party over at my house and things went pretty well.

Today there was a grad party for seven different people and boy were there a lot of guests. I had fun... There were people playing volleyball and soccer and swimming and eating and talking and fellowshipping(is that a word). Anyway, it was great fun and i'm just super drained.... who knows? Oh well, that has been my last two days. Talk to ya'll later....got to go watch a movie!Ciao.

Hey evewyone....

I feel like i need a break...or something. Normally i would feel something more than just listlessness.

Last night was the Friendship Festival. I actually had a great afternoon....went to the beach with that special someone. Then we went to the Friendship fest and all was good. Or so i thought. Last night was incredibly scary for me... or at least after the friendship fest.... I wanted to see him mad at least once.... I needed to see it for myself so i would know how i could react to it when he ever got mad at me for doing something stupid.... i saw him mad.... and I don't ever want to see him that way ever again. I became scared of him and last night i think we both almost thought something terrible would happen.... I thought i was almost about to lose him..... I don't think i've ever prayed so hard about something that was special to me..

Nothing happened though.... he called me around twelve (unfortunately i spent my whole morning in quiet solitude) and he sounded fine.....he sounded as if nothing had ever happened and he was just the same normal person who is completely weird and fun.... he sounded normal compared to last night.... and that scared me more than anything else.... I'm thankful of course! My goodness I'm thankful he's safe and everything is ok with his parents but I still feel like my heart isn't there.... i feel like i'm living in another world....

For those of you who know who i'm talking about can you please pray for him. He has been having some trouble communicating with his parents about all kinds of things and there have been some shifty occassions....just please pray that things won't get confusing with him.

For today i haven't done much...just cleaned all morning and still planning to clean all afternoon. Luckily i get to attend a party that i never wanted to go to later tonight...yay (dripping with sarcasm) and i get to babysit all these little kids. Oh well. Ill talk to ya'll later. Ciao

Hey Everyone!!!!! Ok for the last couple of days my life has been an amazing bit of work...I'm learning more about myself and the faith God has given me for him and others around me....I'm actually learning so much more in a little span of time that i ever would have before. It's weird how the people a person can hang out with a lot can influence even the slightest choices that you make and you don't even realize it really. I guess i'm learning that God puts people who would effect us the most without us realizing it until it is discussed...Heheheh.
I've been in such a good mood all week i don't think anything can really mess up the joy i actually feel... then again, i say that now and then something is going to happen to make my perspective change dramatically....:( Oh well, we can't help it when something like that happens ya know? (sigh) i feel like i can probably touch the sky...or i can fly.... of course, that would be impossible but when you feel as though you're slowly getting back on track with your life as well as finding joy all around you, one would feel like they could do almost anything....I don't know...I don't think i've ever been this giddy about anything before...or so ready to forgive or ready to love.... God sends us such little surprises that we sometimes just don't see.... but when we do see them it is like a wake up call and an extreme encouragement... I'm just so thankful to be alive right now.... i'll talk to ya'll laters...i have a feeling i'm freaking some of you out....LOL! Ciao!

Hey everyone. I hope ya'lls spring break is going well. there has been so much going on i feel like i'm ready to burst. Hm....let's see:
Monday: Went to breakfast with Christian, his sister, Christine, and her friend Ellen. Went to school to finish a painting and then went bowling for about two hours.
tuesday: Went to tennis around nine in the morning with Christian and Christine, had lunch then went on base where we went to the gym and played basketball. Had a bad emotional scene when we went to go pick up my cell phone at a "friend's" house then went to Tiyan for more tennis.
Wednesday: stayed at home and hung out with my mom...Yay!
Thursday: Got picked up at one by Christian and went to Asan beach park where we accidentally met up with Stacy.... stayed there for about an hour or so. Went to tennis around three that afternoon and played until about six. Had dinner and then he dropped me off.
Friday: Got picked up at around eight thirty by Christian, Christine, and Ellen and went to Kaha Art Gallery to start setting up for the art show. Had lunch at Micro Mall and then Chris dropped me off at UOG to take my written exam again( my permit expired last nov.) and then picked me up. Went to go watch a movie, had dinner and then dropped me off at home.
Saturday: Started by waking up at around six thirty to remodel our living room. Went out with my mom around nine to see relatives and then came home. Had lunch around one, finished cleaning and spent my day wandering around my house like a living zombie.....

well, i guess a good amount of you out there would notice that my week has been mainly....well, based around one person...and for that I'm perfectly ecstatic!!!! I feel like i can touch the sky or walk on air.... then again i think it's the lightheadedness i feel.... or the giddiness.... I hope honestly that i'm not the only one who thinks that we need a longer spring break...bcuz in truth one week isn't enough for me to process necessarily. I want time to go more slowly now....
with the way things look we only have four weeks left of school and that includes the week of exams.... I don't know if i'm ready to leave high school yet. I want to be able to stay just a little longer...hold out for a little while. Time is going by much to fast....and then it would be time to leave.... all that's familiar....the people we care about... wow! Who would have thought this day would come...oh well. I guess we can't expect life to be fair to us all the time...or any of the time for that matter. Anyway, I'll see ya'll on monday....Live out the rest of spring break to your heart's fullest. Ciao.

Hey everyone... Don't worry there is nothing really wrong. I think however i am able to finally try to pick up the broken pieces of my heart. I'm able to be the kind of person without having to try so hard trying to be another kind of person....Wow...that didn't make any sense. Let's just say that i'm learning how to be me without trying so hard. After picking up every broken shard and studying it i think i'm re-learning who i am and i'm so excited. Slowly i think i'm becoming who i need to be thanks to, of course, God, my friends, and the one person who is not quite willing to let me go unless it's by order of God. And for all of those people i just want to say thank you for being there. ... You don't have to worry anymore. I'm ok...

Hello everyone,
well, while some of the seniors has such a great time at the luau, I got to talk for a good hour or so to my sweetheart...well yeah really. I wish i could have gone to the luau....I missed it thanks to my stupid curfew...Oh well. Anyway, my day went well enough. My brain has been hurting for a good long time and I think it has something to do with heartache...or is it probably the silly economics project. The brain hurts...or no not hurts....there's more of a pounding sensation. Oh well about it.
My mom comes home some time tomorrow thank goodness. That way i don't have to deal with just living with my dad and without real food. LOl. Luckily i can kinda cook for myself but there is something nice about mother dear's cooking. Well, since there really isn't much to talk about i'll catch ya'll later. Ciao

Hey everyone! I haven't written in a long time , huh? ...wow i don't think i know what to write about....
My mind just hurts extremely...No nothing happened. I just feel like there's a pounding in my mind that just won't go away. I feel like crying and not stopping...i honestly don't know why.... anyway. Lucky for me my mom is coming home on Monday and I have a full week of Spring break to look forward to. A part of me just wants to sleep and never wake up....i just want to dream or just.... i don't know. I just want to go away...
somewhere far away.....somewhere where no one can find me.

Day 2

We woke up pretty early for the sake of the day. The class broke up into halves and my half went to atv first. It was pretty cool just having to try it out. I think Rae Ann's atv flipped over and mine almost did. Angie was the only one who really got muddy from head to foot. After that the two halves met up at the zoo to have lunch then the two groups swapped. That left my group at the zoo. We spent the rest of the afternoon there and that night we spent on the go cart tracks...I think i've fallen in love with go cart racing......the adrenaline rush is amazing and i can't help wanting to go again. Got back to the hotel around ten last night and then went to bed around early twelve.

Day 3

We got up much later this morning and had some fun just relaxing. Started the day off with a trip to an opal mine and i got my mom a seventy dollar gift which almost leaves me broke. After the opal mine, the class moved on to the beach and then on to bungy jumping. I didn't get to try but it looked severely fun. I'm afraid of heights so yeah. We had lunch then moved off for wake boarding then came back to the hotel. We're on our way to church in a couple minutes and then we're going bowling :D I honestly can't wait for bowling but that's just me.

Well, that's my last two days. love ya'll lots but i'm tired and i've got to go. ciao.

Ok folks... the seniors are almost done with their first day of the senior trip!!!!YAY!!!!!!!!!! ok...We started our day off with not a lot to look forward to except for maybe the really pretty architecture of the buildings and how pretty the scenery looked. I was amazed at how clean everything was. Around nine we got to the Tradewinds where we are now and then we went out on a stroll around the neighborhood. At about on everyone got ready to go on the white water rafting and i swear i was freaking out when i saw all the jagged rocks that we would have had to go over. It was amazingly fun thougha nd things went extremely well. Mr. McGrew fell out of the raft and practically hit a rock when Inafuku was trying to help him out.
We got back to the hotel and then we got ready for put-put golf and then had to be in the lobby waiting for the bus. I was down here at the proper time....if anything i was about fifteen minutes early. Then i kinda separated myself from the rest of the crowd...and sat on another couch. I closed my eyes....well, i guess you can figure out the rest...I fell asleep and about fifteen to twenty minutes later i woke up to an empty lobby and the sinking feeling that i was left behind. and lo and behold i was. There was someone to pick my up of course but now i have the feeling that for the rest of this week there is no stopping the humiliation of being left behind. Well that's today's update. Tomorrow we're supposed to be going to the zoo and atv-ing. I'm looking forward to it...just not the "Tahnee don't fall asleep" or "Tahnee don't get left behind" bits....but otherwise...at least i have a great story to tell my kids one day:D